i've been silent this past month....i wasnt able to write here in my blog....i admit...i was too busy chating with this person...person who's been very closed to me....who knows me inside and out...person who's been a big part of my life....person whom i love most and who gave me so much pain...my x....i hate her!!!but most of all....I HATE MYSELF!!!!!i said myself that i was over her...i was ok before she showed up...am doin fine...and suddenly...my life began to shatter once again...my life becomes complicated again... when she came back and made communication with me...we dont have any commitment...because she's still with that stupid guy!!! but,you know...this whole month i spend talking with her...a lot of things happened....a lot of words which are not spoken had been said...she told me the way she still feels about me...that she still love me but she was affraid to tell it to herself...huhuhu...i dont want to reminice all the things that she said to me...and all the things that we shared this past few weeks..thinking of those things makes me irritable...confused...damn...hurt...betrayed!!!! the hell i care for all those things!!!! I HATE HER!!!! once again,she makes me believe to evrything....which i shouldn't....I HATE MYSELF!!!!im having doubts with her,but why did i still let myself feel that way towards her....damn it!am a stupid moron here!!!! but,i admit,i still care  for her...it made me happy...being with her and talking with her all night...i admit,love was still there...even i tried so hard to controll that feelings...i know i still love her....and now...reality bites...everythings back again to normal...no communication...she just left me once more....i felt hurt again...sad...bothered...cant concentrate with am doing before she showed up...actually...when she was here...i wasnt able to manage evrything...my work..my life when i was in the house...coz most of the time.. i think of her...ive been bothered thinking bout our set up...its like we we're still together when i was with her...but no commitment at all...that was stupid!right!!!!but,i still let it happened...!!!damn her!!!damn myself!!!now, am starting again to pick up the peices of my shattered life...she dont have work right now...so we dont have communication at all...am used to it...i shouldnt feel this anymore...but why am still feeling like this...it hurts....so much...i feel sad...am started to feel the anger...!!! why is she doing this to me...she makes me feel that am important to her...love by her...but,why??? i hate it!!! can stand this anymore!!!i didnt expect more in whats happening to us...but,why is it like this???!!! i wish we never had that communication...i feel regretful in what happened to us this past few days....i wish she never told me those things....am so tired....am so tired of loving her...wating for her....am so tired of trying to be her friend...i dont know how long will it takes...i dont know how to handle this anymore...am so tired...i want to take a rest...am really tired...dont want to feel this way anymore...why!why are u doin this to me???!!!

i end my journal last night saying that i know that our love was still there...after seeing her last saturday...we met saturday morning after work...i've asked her to meet me coz i need to take my jacket that she borrowed to me last march....first,i was having second toughts..coz during the past month..i was able to forget my feelings for her....but then...i decided to meet her so that i would know if i was really over with her...

when i saw her...i honestly.. felt happy..but i wasn't sure about my true feelings for her...hindi n ko kinilig in short...ive asked her to join me and my team in one of the bar here in ortigas...we've just talked,bout her,me,her guy...bout us....she told me that she's still keeping all my letters that i've gave her before...im so happy to here that...she told me her guy was asking her why does she still keeping those letters...she told her guy that its still important to her because we've been almost for 2 years...remembrance daw nia un from me...well,it makes me feel that she still cares for me and for what we shared....and it seems that maybe she's still hoping....

ive brought her home...while we we're in taxi....ive asked i she still loves me..she said..maybe...i dont know...if you will ask me...my answer would be the same....to be honest,i really dont know what ive felt that time that we we're together....she told me that she wasn't sure for her feelings for her...she told me that everytime she hered the song "sa kanya" she remembers me...and she also thinks that when she and that guy breake up in the future...she sees herself coming back to me..once again...i felt good when she told that to me...coz even though we broke up...we still manage to meet and talk...hindi kc cia gn2 s mga ex's nia before....but then,i dont know if i will still beleive in her..ive lost my trust for her...i dont know if she's telling me the truth....well,she's giving me falls hopes i guess...and it bothers me last weekends....

i dont know...i just have to move on....=)

its been seven months since me and my exgirlfriend broke up...i admit that it brought me so much pain after she left me...after all that ive done..just to make her happy,just to make her stay...and just to make this relationship workout even though its not right....still,i didn't make her stay...she just left me with some guy out there who supposed to be our friend...and the fact that this guy was already married...i know,we are in the same sex...i know its very complicated...but isnt more complicated being with a married man....?

sometimes...im still asking myself...where did i go wrong...bakit nia ko pngplit don...hindi s ngma2yabang ako...but im pretty sure that im batter than that guy....i know that there are somethings that he can do that i can't...but im willing to risk and do everything for her...

but even though she brought me so much pain...i dont have any regrets when she come into my life...coz i know...she still made me happy even just for awhile...she's the sweetest thing ever happen to me...and ive love her so much....sad,painful,but i have to accept and let go...i know i have to move on...and thats what im doing right now...

after that seven months....i know iv move already move on....im starting to appreciate other things...even though sometimes...i still find myself thinking of her...miss her....but i know how to handle my feeling now than before after we broke up...

now,all im hoping is to forget totally...not her...but the feelings...that iv felt for her before....who knows...in the end...we still deserve to be together...even though in that kind of relationship...i know its not impossible...i know our love is still there...aftr seeing her last saturday....